


I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

by Pawsbutton



Category: Sander Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst Train, Anorexia, Anxiety, Eating Disorder, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Panic Attacks, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, don't read if you have triggers, lots of trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-26 04:31:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13228122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pawsbutton/pseuds/Pawsbutton
Summary: Virgil is the personification of Thomas Sanders anxiety. The other sides don't know about his depression, and sometimes their words hurt more than intended. Virgil does know one thing though: hurting himself makes the voice leave him alone.(No suicide yet)





	1. Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> Struck out lines are doubt, worry, anxiety, etc.

"Alrighty, kiddos! Breakfast is ready!" Patton cheerfully calls through the mindscape. I painfully peel open my eyelids, feeling every muscle ache in protest.

~~It's not worth it.~~

I stare off into my room, greeted with the familiar sight of darkness. I lay there, not moving a single muscle. My room was always dark, day or night, it was dark. I can't help but want to brighten it up just a little. I chuckle at the thought. I'm anxiety, I'm supposed to be evil, mean, a villain... dark. I'm meant to be dark, just like my room, and just how the others treat me. A few minutes pass and I can hear movement outside my room. Squirming out from underneath my sheets, I steady myself on my feet.

~~They don't even want you there.~~

I push aside my very own worry and dresses myself in my typical black hoodie. The shadows around my room grow and expand as if they were alive. They whisper to me. Well, technically the shadows didn't. I did. You see, every persona's room is made exactly for them, an echo of their innermost thoughts. Patton's was bright and optimistic, just like his conscience. Roman's was theatrical and bold, just like his conscience. Logan's was organized and logical- hey look at that! -Just like his conscience. Mine was overwhelming and pessimistic... I assume you know what I'm going to say next.

~~You're useless.~~

I stare at myself through the mirror across from the bed. Very dark purple bags ring under my hazel eyes and I can't help but notice how fat I look. I hate what I see.

~~Why can't you be more like Princey? Or Patton? Or even Logan?~~

I grab my eyeshadow and apply thick coats of the powder to hide the bags. Good. Now it just seemed like I was being emo. After making my way to the door, my hand hovers above the knob.

~~They won't even notice if you aren't there.~~

Thing was, someone did notice his absence. A soft knock came from the door. "Virgil?" Patton's worried voice sounded. My almost immediate opening of the door caused the fatherly figure to jump, "Oh, you scared me there son. I was just making sure you were coming to breakfast. Are you?"

I shrugged, "I guess." I didn't want to but I know if I don't Thomas would be affected. It had been almost five days since the last time I ate (and kept it down).

"Wonderful!" Patton bright smile almost blinded him.

~~~

I trudge down the hall, my feet almost dragging on the floor. Entering the commons just made me want to become invisible. Logan and Roman both stared at me, making me pull up my hood. Logan was sitting at the table with his laptop and Roman was on the couch watching cartoons.

"Great," Roman says sarcastically, "the incredible sulk." I pretend not to feel a stab of hurt shoot through me. Conceal don't feel, am I right?

The corners of Patton's lips twitch downwards. "Now, now Roman. Virgil is going to join us for breakfast today."

The words "He is?" and "I am?" Overlap. My plan was to just take a plate of food and go back to my room.

"Well of course, silly." Patton giggles.

Logan looks up from his laptop, "We get it, Patton. You're adorable. Anyways," he looks to me, "It's not healthy to stay in your room all the time."

"Tell me about it," I whisper under my breath. Too many attacks happened there, whether it be from the isolation or voices. I take the plate of eggs and toast from Patton, giving a small, "Thanks."

Logan looks down at a navy blue wrist band which was beginning to flash. All of Thomas' sides had bands that flashed whenever Thomas summoned them. They were once all grey, but Patton and Roman took it upon themselves to customize them. Patton's was now tie dyed, Roman's had Disney characters, and mine was a deep purple hue.

"It seems Thomas needs my assistance," he glances to Patton, "Are you alright with my absence this morning?" Patton gives a small nod, and with that Logan sinks out of the mindscape.

Patton sighs, clearly disappointed, "Anyone want Logan's breakfast?" I glance up from my untouched plate. Patton had made Logan chocolate chip pancakes with a smiley face on it made of fruit and whipped cream.

~~Dear god, I wonder how many calories are in that? It will make you fat if you eat it.~~

"Uh, no thanks Pat."

Roman hops up over the couch and takes the plate from Patton with a small bow, "Why thank you, kind sir!"

"Someone's in good mood," I grumble, rolling my eyes at his enthusiasm.

"Of course I'm in a good mood, emo nightmare! Today I will finally fight my arch nemesis the dragon-witch!" Princey stabs a bit of pancake with his fork, "Anywho, what are you doing today? Worrying Thomas all day long? Keeping him away from his friends?" He's trying to push my buttons.

All I could do is stare down at my eggs and toast. They seemed to taunt me. It's all you're good for... you're a burden. The more I look at the eggs the more they look like slimy, yellow mucus, while the toast looks more like concrete sprinkled with coal dust. It makes me gag. I hear the other two talking as the world focuses on the food in front of me. I'm so hungry.

~~It will make you fat. Fatter than you already are you fat ass. I can feel all of the fat on my body. It layers in clumps upon my bones. What must the others think? They're all perfect. Unlike you, who's so fucking overweight they can't look at themselves in the mirror for more than a second. I feel my stomach twist. I know there's nothing in it- I haven't eaten in days -but it screams at me to empty it.~~

The only thing that rips me from my trance is Logan popping up again. "Patton, I require your assistance with a more emotional problem Thomas is having."

Morality perks up, "It he having trouble with adultery again?"

"If only you knew the troubling meaning of that word, Patton. I suggest you use the word adulthood next time," Logic says after we all cringe, "But, yes. Thomas is debating whether to get a dog. Again."

Squishing his cheeks with the palm of his hands, Patton lets out a squeal, "A PUPPY?!" He was already sinking out.

Logan lets out a long sigh before adjusting his glasses and perusing his happy counterpart.

Roman's immediate standing made me jump a little, "What's with the rush, Princey?"

"Before my adventure, I'm going to join there little pow-wow and insert some valuable input," he pauses, thinking for a minute, "And don't come."

I scoff as he sinks out. Not a chance I'm missing that party. I stand and empty my still full plate into the garbage, watching as the food slides off my plate and into the can. Absolutely disgusting.


	2. First Line of Many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil has an attack with an odd solution

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for Self-Harm

I appear in front of a heated debate. Thomas sits with his laptop, scrolling down a page with pictures of dogs on it.

Patton gasps, "Aww, look at that one! It's so CUTE!"

"I know! Just look at how small it is!" Seems like this was Roman valuable input.

I look over to see Logan, who is looking as if he's about to scream, "We do not have adequate supplies nor time to care for an animal. Please think logically about this."

I finally speak up, "I have to agree with pocket protector over here," the others snap their attention towards me, "We can't take care of a dog."

"Thank you, Virgil. At least someon-"

"I mean what if we neglect it? What if we let it die?" I say, putting an emphasis on the word die.

Logan shifts uncomfortably, "That wasn't... what I meant. Don't you think that's a bit-," an index card appears in his hand and he flips it around reading it, "-extra?"

"Yeah, Virgil, that was really sad..." Patton's eyes are downcast. Shit. I hurt him.

~~Monster.~~

Prince throws his hands in the air, exasperated. "What exactly did you expect from Dr. Doom and Gloom over there? This is exactly why I didn't want him to come!"

I once again feel a shot of hurt go through me. That's when everyone began talking at the same time. It was too loud.

See? You're unwanted.

I cover my ears trying to block out all of the sound.

~~It's your fault.~~

Glancing around to make sure no one is looking, I sink back down into the mindscape.

~~~

I sink further into the couch, putting on some MCR. Their talk lasted awhile once I had left, and now the three were back in the mindscape, laughing and chatting like nothing happened. How did they do that? Make amends so quickly?

~~Like one another?~~

I try and make myself as small as possible. I hadn't gone back to my room yet, the voices would have been too much to handle right then.

"Oh hey!" Patton's voice pipes up, "Virgil!"

I do my best to cover up my awkwardness with a smile, "Heeyyy, Pat."

"Just so you know, I forgive you for earlier. But let's put a pin on that! We're gonna have a game night tonight," he wiggles his eyebrows, "Wanna come?"

Before I can even answer, Roman practically yells, "Absolutely NOT!!" Everybody is stunned at his outburst, even Roman. He composes himself, "Patton, game night is meant to be just the three of us."

~~You aren't one of them.~~

"Well, Roman, game night _was_ just for three of us. But now that we've accepted Virgil, it's only fair to let him accompany," Logan (surprisingly) backs me up. I can't help but internally smile.

I shrug, "I'm not THAT bad to be around."

~~But you are.~~

"But you are," Prince mumbles.

He agreed with them? No... I feel tears prick the corner of my eyes.

"ROMAN!" Someone yells. I don't know who, I had already begun running to my room.

~~Weak.~~

Slamming the door, I can feel my breathing quicken. Fuck.

"One, two, three, four," I try and keep myself from an attack; I try and follow Talyn's breathing steps they taught Thomas, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven." Why wasn't it working? "One, two, three, fourfive, sixseveneight!" My words blend together as my attack progresses.

~~Worthless.~~

Curling into a ball on the floor, I begin to pull my hair until it burns. Hearing a few snapping sounds, I see a clump of hair fall to the ground. Blood pounds in my ears. My heart is be beating so fast... am I having a heart attack?

~~Ugly.~~

My chest is so tight as my heart continues to race. I can't breathe. It hurts. Everything is spinning. My breaths become short and labored, as if I am drowning. Am I? I feel like I am.

~~Fat.~~

My body doesn't listen to anything I'm telling it, it just jerks and shakes. I bite down on my sleeve and scream. They can't hear it. They can't know.

~~Burden.~~

The shadows swirl into tendrils, grabbing at my wrists and ankles. I'm lost. I can't see. My world seems to collapse around me. This only makes me panic more.

**~~Do it.~~ **

Everything stops. This voice was different. It was crystal clear, cutting out all other sounds. My breathing, the voices, the panic. They all stop.

~~_**Do it.** _ ~~

I look to my bathroom door. It tells me to go to it. I stand, legs wobbling. Falling a few times, I finally find myself in my bathroom.

Unlike my room, in here, it was too bright. Everything was a pearly white. I can't help but notice how similar my pale skin is to it. Trembling hands find my razor. I pause.

Not too deep. Not too many.

I open my medicine cabinet after a thought an pull out the small first aid kit. Better safe than sorry.

I lay my arm flat on the countertop, taking a deep, uneven breath.

~~_**Do it already.** _ ~~

The razor is freezing cold as it splits open my skin. I pull the line across, leaving a trail of thick, red blood. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Again and again the medal pierces my skin. The crimson liquid that falls down my arm is hypnotic. Addictive.

After a dozen or so I stop to look at my handiwork. The contrast of the red blood on the marble was strangely beautiful. It hurt, but I didn't care. It made the world so much clearer. It made the voices go away.

After a few minutes, I get a little dizzy. Grabbing the gauze from the small kit, I lay it on my horizontal artwork, then wrap it in a bandage.

The pain felt so _good_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Another chapter done! And in just a day! With this work, I'm really trying to convey the emotions that Virgil is feeling. I'm going to try and really drag out his self-destruction to his tipping point. After his suicide attempt (much later) there is going to be lots of fluff. But for now... ANGST. If y'all have any suggestions, don't be shy!  
> Also, if any one wants to write a summary for this work I would really appreciate it. I'll credit the commenter too. I suck at summarizing.   
> Love y'all! <3


	3. We're a Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton and the gang plan something for Virgil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whole chapter is Patton's POV.

Logan, Roman, and I rise back up into the mindscape. Our debate lasted awhile, but we had finally come to an answer. Thinking about it, it was as soon as Virgil left we 'had a rational discussion' as Logan put it... As soon as Virgil left.

Maybe they were better off without him? No! What am I thinking?

That was when I noticed my dark, strange son on the couch, "Oh hey! Virgil!"

As I skip over, he gives a forced smile. "Heeyyy, Pat." Oh right; the argument.

_"...what if we let it die?"_ Guilt had grown on his face as soon as he had said it. I don't think he meant it that way.

"Just so you know, I forgive you for earlier. But let's put a pin on that!" Focusing on the argument too much would have made him uncomfortable, so I just ripped it off like a bandaid. "We're gonna have a game night tonight. Wanna come?"

As he opens his mouth to reply, Roman practically yells, "Absolutely NOT!!" All eyes in the room widen in surprise. After taking a breath, he says "Patton, game night is meant to be just the three of us."

It was true. Game night had been around before Anxiety was even introduced. Virgil had never joined us before, but that didn't mean he couldn't now.

"Well, Roman, game night was just for three of us. But now that we've accepted Virgil, it's only fair to let him accompany," Logan speaks before I can. Go Logan! I could kiss him right now! ...What?

Virgil shrugs, "I'm not THAT bad to be around."

"But you are," Roman mutters. As soon as he says it, I can see the hurt on Virgil's face. He looked so... broken. And before I knew it Virgil was running out of the room.

I can barely contain my anger, "ROMAN!"

The prince flinches at my scream. "I-" "No!" I interrupt him, "you don't get to say anything right now. Time out."

Logan had made time out many years ago, when we were all kids. There wasn't really an adult around, so we kinda had to self govern. Being the rule-follower of the group, he had set it up for when we would break the rules. It never really got used.

"E-excuse me?" He stutters out.

I point to the corner, "Time out. Now."

Wow. If the room was surprised earlier, they were stunned now. Roman couldn't really process how exactly he had gotten a time out at the age of 28 as he sat down on the little, wooden time out chair.

Logan was quiet as he stepped towards me, "Did you just give Roman a time out?" "I did," I sigh and push my glasses up, "I just kinda snapped."

He nods glancing at the slumped over prince, "Indeed. But what are you going to do now?"

"We should check on him," I say gesturing towards Virgil's room.

"I don't think speaking with him at the moment would be wise. He was very upset, and I would venture that he doesn't want us there."

I nod, "You're right."

We think for a few more minutes about what we should do. Some time passes and I get up to turn on the tv. Some sound was better than silence. An episode of Breaking Bad pops up. We all look up at the screen.

Walt is tackled by his son, who is holding a knife. As the son puts out his arm to protect his mother, the main character stands and yells, "What the hell is wrong with you!" A baby begins to cry in the background, "We're a family." The room is silent except for the baby's cries. His wife and son are filled with fear. Face wet with tears, he whispers:

_"We're a family."_

"AH HA!" Roman pops up out of the chair, "I know what to do!" He begins to run about doing seemingly random things.

Logan worriedly glances at me, "What's happening?"

"I don't know," I whisper back.

Roman stops for a second to explain, "Game night is no longer, boys! Tonight we do fam night!" He words drip with drama.

"What is 'fam night'?" Logan questions.

I put my finger up in the air, "I get it! It's a family night for all of us!" I can't help but grin, "That's SO cute!"

"I know," Roman says, puffing out his chest, "Logan, I need you to plan this thing. Movies, games! We need it all!"

Logic smiles, pulling out an index card, "I'm on it."

"Patton, I need you to bake."

"It'd be my honor," I straighten my back and give a silly salute.

The prince goes into a sort of hero pose, "And I will decorate!"

We all run off to do our assigned task. For me it was baking, and I knew exactly what to do.

~~~

The ding of the oven goes off, "I'm done!"

"Fantastic," Roman says looking over.

I had baked us chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies, Virgil's favorite. As Roman assesses the cookies, I take in our hard work. Roman really stepped it up! Purple, black, and white balloons were scattered about the room and there was a banner that read "Let's Party!" There were even some streamers in the doorways. Logan had made a plan for our night. We would eat dinner- which was pizza obviously -then play some games and later we would watch all our favorite Disney movies.

"It's perfect," Roman gives a bright smile.

I put my hand on his shoulder, "I'm really proud of you. You did all of this just for the family!"

He blushes, "Yes, yes I did."

"I am also pleased with our accomplishments," Logan was grinning.

I gasp,"Logan! There's something on your face!"

His hand reaches up to his cheek, "What is it?"

"A smile!" I laugh.

He smiles again, but brighter.

Roman pipes up, "Come on you two! Let's go get Anx-" he pauses, "Virgil. Let's go get Virgil."

We make our way down the hall to Virgil's room. Logan is standing on my left and Roman's on my right. I take a deep breath and knock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! I decided to mix it up and switch over to Patton, but no worries next chapter we're going back to Virgil. I think it needed a pinch of fluff. Comment your thoughts! Also, we ARE going back to the angsty storyline!

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment if you want me to continue! This is my very first fanfiction and I'm really nervous! I'm thinking of doing a "best quote in the comments" each time I post... what to y'all think? Tell me anything you want, I just ask you don't hate! Thank you!


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